Florida Man Friday: Star Wars, Stealing That Star Wars…

Florida Man Friday took last week off, but Florida Man never rests — so let’s not wait one more moment before we begin this week’s thrill-a-minute…

Florida Man Poses as Cast Member, Steals $10,000 ‘R2-D2 Droid’ in Supposed Attempt to Earn a Job in Disney World Security

One droid was No droids were harmed in the making of this story:

Florida Man was caught and arrested for impersonating a hotel guest and a Cast Member as he took a gold necklace and an R2-D2 droid worth about $10,000, according to sheriff’s reports detailing the man’s scheme that unfolded across Disney property this year.

He also said he took a game machine called the “Duck Catcher” from the game center on the first floor of the Dolphin Hotel. The game was worth $3,500, according to another sheriff’s report.

Florida Man told a sheriff’s sergeant, “he had an application for Walt Disney World Security pending and was moving the items to show weaknesses in the security of the resorts in the hope of securing a better paying job at WDW.”

He got caught when an actual security officer noticed Florida Man not knowing how to get through security.

You know those security firms that big companies hire to test their physical or cyber security? Management knows that the pretend thieves or hackers are coming because they paid top dollar for them to do just that.

Yeah, Florida Man apparently thought he could freelance doing that into a better paying regular gig.

SCORE: One point each for: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, a theme park, chutzpah.

Amazingly, no drugs or alcohol seem to have been involved.

TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.

PS: I added “Theme Park” to the list of possible points, mostly ashamed that I hadn’t already.

Florida Man Sure Likes His Coffee

Florida Man Friday

Florida Pastor Found Masturbating Outside Starbucks, Sheriff Says

I’m going to skip every single one of the “Would you like [blank] in your coffee” jokes.

You’re welcome.

Here’s the report:

A Monday press release from the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office noted that Florida Man was arrested on May 9, but police have now charged the Kissimmee pastor with exposure of sexual organs and released a photo of him to the public.

The sheriff’s office said in the release that Florida Man, who teaches online ministry classes, had previously received a similar charge from an incident that occurred at the same location.

Honestly, I feel like Florida Man had probably suffered enough, even before the police released his photo to go with the story.

Also, I’m thinking he must have missed that “go and sin no more” lesson after the first offense.

SCORE: Stupid crime, public nudity, recidivism.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

The Bucs Stop Here

Bears Buccaneers Football
AP Photo/Jason Behnken
Florida Woman Allegedly Steals $228K From HOA And Spends It On Bucs Tickets

I have a hard time getting upset about people who steal from HOAs.

I’m not condoning it, mind you, but if it weren’t for the fact that the money started off as my neighbors’…

Anyway:

Authorities caught suspicion of Florida Woman’s crimes in February when a bank who oversees the HOA management company noticed fraudulent activity. It became clear during their investigation that Florida Woman had possessed checks with three different HOA’s account information on them, and deposited the checks to her personal bank account. Pinellas County authorities stated that Florida Woman had used the many to pay for daily living expenses, credit card bills, and Buccaneers tickets.

Bucs season tickets start at $1,770 a pop, and that’s for the worst seats in the stadium. Lower level end zone tix will run you $8,283. If you want anything better than that, you’ll have to consult your local scalper.

I know what you’re thinking: Florida Woman should have stolen more money.

SCORE: I’m giving Florida Woman five bonus points for ripping off HOAs.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Are Those Mangos In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy to Tranny?

Hobo With a Shotgun

Florida Man trespassed from Walmart arrested after leaving behind bag with sawed-off shotgun

This story had me very confused because how does one trespass from a Walmart?

At first, I thought it was written by one of those 27-year-olds who know literally nothing, but, having looked up the author, I decided he can’t be nearly that old.

Apparently, “trespassing” is now what you get charged with when you didn’t steal quite enough to warrant a shoplifting charge. So if you only steal a little, you’re trespassing from Walmart instead of stealing from Walmart.

Look, I know it doesn’t make any sense. But we’re in the 2020s, and nothing has to any longer.

So:

Florida Man, 35, a homeless resident of Palm Bay, was trespassed on June 13 because the value of the attempted theft did not initially warrant a law enforcement response, police said.

An officer was still there, however, who when requesting Florida Man’s identification was told his ID was “outside in his backpack,” according to an affidavit for Horne’s arrest warrant. Horne left the store without incident and without retrieving the backpack, police said.

Walmart employees later noticed the bag and collected it, observing what they told police appeared to be two firearms inside.

Including a sawed-off shotgun with the serial numbers removed.

Nice!

SCORE: Caught on video, weapons, stupid crime.
TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.

PS: Thinking of adding “People of Walmart” as a point.

Spirits Say the Darnedest Things

Florida Man sets boss’s house on fire ‘because spirits told him to’

When I talk to spirits, I prefer it to be a single malt scotch, preferably 15 years or older.

And they only rarely talk back:

Deputies said Florida Man was caught on multiple surveillance videos approaching the newly constructed St. Petersburg home around 11:50 a.m. on May 3 while riding a bicycle. He then locked the bike to a nearby stop sign and walked to the home while attempting to cover his face with his shirt, arrest documents stated.

Five minutes later, Florida Man was captured on camera running from the home back to his bicycle before he rode away.

Deputies said he was identified by the potential buyers as one of their employees.

Florida Man told police he wasn’t mad at his boss or anything; he was just doing what the spirits told him to do.

SCORE: 3 “WTF Were You Even THINKING?” points, plus 1 for caught on video.
TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

We had five score stories with a total of 18 points for an average of 3.6 points.

Solid effort, Florida Man. Can’t wait to see how you do next time.

Meanwhile, in Colorado…

Colorado Man

Colorado Man Robbed A Bank While Wearing Ankle Monitor

According to @9newsdenver investigators tracked Colorado Man down after they noticed an ankle monitor was broadcasting his location during the bank robbery.

“There was one ankle monitor in the area of the credit union at the time of the robbery. Furthermore, the same ankle monitor arrived in the area as the suspect vehicle and left the area at the same time as the suspect vehicle,” an FBI agent wrote in the criminal complaint filed in Colorado’s U.S. District Court.

He was framed, he swears.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!

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